(Source: charmedrose)

FJM

Jesus Christ, girl
I laid up for hours in a daze
Retracing the expanse of your American back
With Adderall and weed in my veins
You came
I think
Cause the marble made my cheeks look pink
But I’m unsure of so many things

I just wish things were different.

Almost everything in my life has gone down in some way. My mood, my time, my outlook, really everything is just so down. It’s times like these that I wish I had an escape. An escape from work, from family, from school, from my self. There are a few options but they all lead to a dark path. It is the worst knowing that no matter what step you take your going to fall. Do I fall into debt, fall into more depression, or just fall to my death? Any other time in my life I would just say fall to sleep and things will get better but now even that is a sad place that only reminds me of where I once was and how I will not be there for a long time. The saying is there is always light at the end of the tunnel, but now it just feels like the end of the tunnel is so far away that there is no hope in trying to reach it. I keep having little things to look forward to can keep me going, but after this weekend I have no more little things. I just have months of isolation and suffering. So now I just think about this weekend and let it consume me. Let everything flow and get as much sadness and pain out as I can, because the only thing I have to look forward to this weekend is being dead.

I can see the darkness in me and it’s quite amazing
Life and death is no mystery and I wanna taste it
Step inside of my mind and you’ll find curiosity, animosity
High velocity like the prophesied meditation
Reminisce on my wonder years and I wonder here
Sentiments of my words ain’t been so sincere
The sentiment of my nerves that I just persevere
The big thought of fallin’ off disappeared to my fate
They say that Heaven’s real
Analyze my demise, I say I’m super anxious
Recognize I deprive this fear and then embrace it
Vandalizing these walls only if they could talk
Conversations won’t contemplate to my dark thoughts
Lookin’ down on my soul now, tell me I’m in control now
Tell me I can live long and I can live wrong and I can live right
And I can sing song and I can unite with you that I love
You that I like, look at my life and tell me I fight
This that final destination, this that find some information
This that find some inspiration, this that crack, the instillation
This that quantum jump and that fist pump and that bomb detonation
Please don’t bomb my nation, embalming fluid waiting
I got mind control when I’m here, you gon’ hate me when I’m gone
Ain’t no blood pumpin’ no fear, I got hope inside of my bones
This that life beyond your own life, this ain’t physical for mankind
This that out-of-body experience, no coincidence you been died
Bitch, you’re dead!


Say you will never ever catch me, no, no, no
Say you will never ever catch me, no, no, no
Say you will never ever catch me, no, no, no
Say you will never ever catch me, no, no, no

… :’(

I just want to tear all this loneliness out of me and set it on fire. My old tactic of just turning all this emotion inward isn’t working and I need a release. Who or what that release will be I may never know, but I sure hope it comes soon. I honestly can’t keep going, and even if I could I don’t know what for. The people who are supposed to be there are only making things worse and they days seem to just get longer. I am at a wall at every aspect of my life, and the walls keep getting closer. It is a terrible feeling coming home thinking you will get relief to only be sucked into a night full of sadness. shrug no one will read this and no one will care so why even bother, I will just keep making myself so busy and tired that I can’t think of what has happened or what will. 

about to be one long night

lets see if i can manage to stay out of a hospital